god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
