What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
