You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hippo gnu deer
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
