I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
