that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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