I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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