But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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