So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
