Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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