I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
