New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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