We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
