Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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