On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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