i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
