did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
