Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
