Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize