my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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