I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
