My underwear smells like fireworks.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
