I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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