absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
