O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
