I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
