Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
