Can i not drive my cunt home
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
