Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
