she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize