My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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