Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
