i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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