I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
