i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
