If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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