"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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