Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
