we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
