he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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