why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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