I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
