WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
