Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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