On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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