ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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