Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
