if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
