There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
