I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
