There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
