this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
