One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i now understand why vodka
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
