After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
