His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
