If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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