I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
