when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
